Scandal In Silk
by Red Witch
Summary: Mallory Archer's days make Oliva Pope's look like a day at the beach.


**Once again Mallory did something to the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. I just had a weird thought in my head. I wanted to try writing a Scandal type scene just for kicks. Referenced a few of my other fics. And I got this. Takes place right after Burn Archer.**

 **Scandal In Silk **

"You will not _believe_ what stupid thing Sterling did **this time!"** Mallory shouted as she stormed into her house.

"Something tells me I would," Ron was heard from the living room. "I am rather gullible."

"First that idiot comes into work late," Mallory put down her purse and took off her coat. "Then leaves for an early lunch not even **fifteen minutes** after he arrived. Honestly, I didn't say anything because I was glad he was out of the office and I could have some relative peace and quiet. But I should have known that idiot would have done **something** to ruin my day no matter where he goes!"

Mallory went on as she got herself a drink. "Apparently, the idiot saw one of my former employees and instead of letting him go his merry way, decided to follow him in order to have a chat! Long story short, Sterling screwed up a bust. Then killed two enemy agents, punched out a director and blew up a hotel lobby. Needless to say, I've got some calls on my answering machine I am in **no hurry** to listen to."

Mallory took a drink and paused. "Don't tell Sterling I ever said this but for once I wish I had his talent for creating annoying answering machine messages."

Mallory took another drink and started to walk into the living room. "Then again at least Sterling gave that traitorous asshole Jack Hunter a good punch. That's the one good thing from this debacle. Never did trust that lousy backstabbing…."

"And hello to you too Mallory."

It was only then she noticed that Ron wasn't alone in the living room. Sitting across from him was a man in his early forties with short brown hair and hazel eyes in a black suit. He had an uncanny resemblance to the actor Scott Foley. With a black eye.

"Jack Hunter," Mallory growled. "And its Ms. Archer to you…"

"Actually, it's **Director** Hunter," Hunter growled. "So I can pretty much call you anything I want. Apparently everyone else back in New York does."

"And that is my cue to go to a bar for a few hours," Ron sighed as he got up. "Good luck."

"I don't need luck," Mallory sniffed.

"I know," Ron said. "I was talking to **him**."

"Nice meeting you Ron," Hunter said as Ron left. "Nice guy. How the hell did you con him into not divorcing you? Then again I can't believe you actually got married at all."

"I can't believe you have the gall to face me again after abandoning me all those years ago!" Mallory snarled. "I took you in off the streets. When I found you, you were nothing but a pretty faced male model slash sales clerk at Abercrombie and Fitch. Which according to you was just a temporary gig until you made it as an actor. Spoiler alert. It **never** happened! I trained you! Made you into a halfway decent agent and how do you repay me? Within six months you ditched me!"

"That's because I didn't want to end up like Lana Kane," Hunter told her. "Becoming little more than a glorified babysitter for your idiot son. By the way have you figured out who his father is yet? Because we have a betting pool back at the office and we'd really like to settle this thing. I have over a hundred bucks riding on it."

"You know…?" Mallory growled.

"Not to mention I wanted to work at a **real agency** ," Hunter added. "Not a place which was basically your personal hit squad. I mean come on, calling in bomb threats so you could take personal vacations and get a table at a restaurant? That's a bit much even for me. And I have done some pretty damn extreme things in this business."

"I'll bet," Mallory gave him a look. "But I'm not interested in what sexual positions you were in so you could climb the ladder of success."

"From what I've heard," Hunter gave her a look. "That's more like **your** specialty."

"What the hell are **you** doing here?" Mallory asked.

"Take a guess," Hunter snapped.

"Sterling," Mallory let out a breath. "Of course."

"Sit down Mallory," Hunter ordered as he got up. "We need to have a talk."

Mallory paused for a moment as if she was considering his offer. Then calmly sat down in a manner that implied she was doing him a favor. "I'm assuming this is about your little incident at the Mayfair?"

" _Incident?"_ Hunter growled. "Is **that** how you characterize your complete and total screw ups now?"

"How was Sterling supposed to know you were having some kind of sting operation for what was it again?" Mallory asked.

"Nice try," Hunter told her. "Let's just say this was a very important operation dealing with a case my department has been working on for three years. And in less than **three minutes** Sterling Archer screwed it up and sent our entire investigation back to **square one**!"

"Then why yell at **me**?" Mallory snapped. "I certainly didn't send him after you! You know my son is like an alcoholic bloodhound that chases after every squirrel or bit of tail he sees."

"I know," Hunter said. "That's why we're having this little chat **here** and not in a detention center."

"Look I know," Mallory sighed as she took a drink. "We're banned from espionage and all that crap."

"Banned is a light word considering the circumstances of what I describe as an **apocalyptic** screw up to end all **screw ups!"** Hunter snapped. "I mean I knew your agency was going to collapse under the weight of the collective incompetence of you, your son and the rest of the Gang Who Couldn't Spy Straight. But even I had no idea how spectacularly disastrous your careers would end!"

"If the point of this visit is to attempt to scare me into being an apologetic little girl who will promise to behave from now on," Mallory gave him a look. "You are doing a **terrible job** at it. I've been threatened by bastards more menacing and dangerous than you longer than you've been alive! You should call my friend Trudy Beekman. She could give you some pointers."

"I've read your file," Hunter said. "Granted a lot of it reads like Mallory Does Eastern Europe and South America but it does give me an idea of what you're capable of."

"Oh Jackie," Mallory purred as she finished her drink. "You have **no idea** what I'm capable of."

"Like having your son do some grunt work for the FBI?"

"What are you talking about?" Mallory asked in an annoyed voice.

"You didn't hear about that whole kerfuffle within the FBI?" Hunter asked. "How somehow a shipment of weapons to their favorite drug dealer got botched up? And then even more surprisingly their drug dealing contact was killed in a shootout with his rival gang leader? Who was also killed?"

"How the hell would I know what the idiots at the FBI are doing?" Mallory asked. "The CIA was my thing."

"But you had contacts with the FBI," Hunter pointed out.

" **Had** contacts," Mallory growled. "Past tense. Thanks to that cry baby Hawley. Besides knowing Sterling, he was probably drunk at a bar somewhere that night."

"I **know** Archer had something to do with that debacle," Hunter snapped. " _Nobody else_ could make a mess that horrendous!"

"Do you have **proof?** " Mallory asked. "Because if you don't this conversation is over."

"This conversation is over when I **say** it's over," Hunter loomed over her.

"Well can you at least get me a drink if you're going to just **loom** over me?" Mallory indicated her glass. "Neat. Don't bother with ice."

"You haven't changed a bit," Hunter growled. "Still that same arrogant self-centered entitled bitch you always were."

"Is that a no on the drink or what?" Mallory asked in a bored tone.

Hunter responded by knocking the glass out of her hand and it shattered on the wall. "Well that's just plain rude," Mallory sniffed. "Still haven't learned any basic manners."

Before Mallory could say anything else she was yanked out of the chair and slammed against the wall. "Still no manners," She huffed, hiding any pain she felt. "Aren't you going to buy me dinner first?"

"Listen to me," Hunter growled in a menacing voice. "I don't know why the higher ups will even allow you to **stay alive** and I don't care. What I do care about is you **not** interfering with my department or my missions anymore. Accidental or not, if you so much as **think** of straying into my crosshairs I won't hesitate to eliminate you or your son or any of your flunkies! _Understand?_ "

"Listen _Princess,_ " Mallory hissed. "Over the past several months I have been abandoned in a desert, held hostage underground by a deranged cyborg, mauled at by a horny truck driver, attacked by killer clowns, shot at by bean bags that nearly broke my arm, drugged and electrocuted by Krieger, nearly set on fire by my flame for brains secretary, nearly driven insane by the antics of my staff and raked over the coals by my social rivals. Trust me. Nothing **you** can do can hurt me."

"Well you **say** that," Hunter growled. "Hey! Where the hell are you putting your hand? BACK OFF!"

He shoved away from her. "Seriously?" Hunter snapped.

"What?" Mallory purred. "Not man enough to handle me?"

"Not without several volts of electricity," Hunter growled. "You're disgusting."

"You don't know what you're missing."

"Yes I do," Hunter shot back. "A new and interesting form of venereal disease."

"Are you going to whine or are we gonna dance?" Mallory prepared to fight.

"As much as I'd love to throw you around the room and give you the ass kicking you clearly deserve," Hunter snarled. "I have better and more important things to do with my time. If I were you, I'd find a way to keep that idiot son of yours on a leash."

"Don't you think I've tried short of neutering him?" Mallory snapped. "And some days I seriously consider **that** option."

"You might want to consider _other options_ ," Hunter warned. "Let getting out of the detective business. Your agents seem to have the same talent for that as they did when they were spies. And by talent, I mean **none at all**."

"Well a girl has to have something to do while working on a book deal," Mallory sniffed.

"You should call that book Scandal in Silk," Hunter quipped. "It's more fitting with your history. Unless your agents destroyed that book already."

"Most of it," Mallory groaned. "Practically back to square one."

"Oh well then it's not just me then," Hunter remarked. "Remember, stay out of my way."

"As long as you stay out of **mine,** " Mallory warned back.

"I'll show myself out," Hunter said and left the house.

Mallory frowned then winced. Being shoved against the wall hurt her more than she wanted to admit. She went to the bar and poured herself another drink. "Bitch," She snarled before taking another drink.


End file.
